She Only Said “Yes” Once

I stood on a stage in the church I’d grown up in.  I can only vaguely remember my wedding, but I’ll never forget seeing Allison emerge from the hallway at the back of the sanctuary.  Beautiful.

Looking up at me through her veil, she smiled.  She has always been a shy person, so she should have been intimidated by all of those people looking at her.  But this wasn’t her shy smile – the tight-lipped, head-hung, eyebrows-raised smile that meant she was embarrassed.  No, this was a “nothing-else-in-the-world-matters-right-now” smile.

We all stared at her, a couple hundred people in a full sanctuary. But she stared down the aisle at me as if we were the only two people in the room.  I’ll never forget that moment.

Her hair was special.  I’d never seen it like that before.  She was wearing make-up, a small thing, but it stands out in my mind because she wears it so rarely.  I remember the veil.  I remember the dress.

We stood before the pastor, and we went through the motions of the service.  It feels sacrilege to says this, but they were just words at that point.  The promises had already been made.

Finally:  “You may kiss your bride.”

We kissed.  A real kiss…nothing obscene…but not a peck either.  My wife is so shy about showing affection in public, that even to this day we don’t really kiss when we’re out and about.  But we kissed right then and there, with no shyness at all.

And in that moment, on that stage, when we were married, my wife – Allison Lynne Osborne – said, “Yes,” to me. 

Before that moment, the answer had always been, “No,” – “no” in my heart and “no” in hers.  “No” in parked cars, in movie theatres, in empty living rooms – “no” to all of those emotions and desires that threaten to sweep away young people in love.  The answer had always been, “No.”

Not anymore.  On, July 28th, 2001, the answer we gave each other before God and everyone was: “Yes.”  “Yes,” until the day that we die.

Yes, I could kiss her.  Yes, I could sleep with her.  Yes, I could steal glances of her in the shower because I think she looks great even after 5 kids. She said, “Yes,” to me, forever.

I wasn’t asking for a one night stand or permission to touch her after a party.  I was asking for forever, and that’s what she gave me.  That’s what I gave her.

She has never had to say it again.  She said “yes” only once.  She meant it to last.  I meant it to last.  It has lasted fourteen years.  It will remain in effect until death parts us.

Last October the New York Times published an article describing what sex education is like for tenth graders now in San Francisco.  A new law requires that teachers give lessons on something called “affirmative consent”.  These children are taught to ask for consent at every point in a sexual encounter.

Do you want to kiss her?  Ask for consent.  Do you want to touch her breasts?  Ask for consent again.  Do you want to take her clothes off?  Ask for consent again.  Do you want to penetrate?  Ask for consent again.

If that’s too graphic for you, just remember, this is 10th grade material. If it makes you uncomfortable, then just imagine being one of the 15 year-old kids in that classroom who are hearing those words (and many that are far more graphic) with other boys and girls their own age…the same boys and girls they used to finger-paint with in kindergarten.

One student, upon hearing that he needed to check with a girl before touching her in certain places or doing certain things, asked, “What does that mean – you have to say ‘yes’ every 10 minutes?”

“Pretty much,” the teacher answered.

Somehow that seemed extraordinarily out of place to this young man, that one would have to pause the progression of an intimate encounter to ask, over and over again, “May I do this now?”

Those aren’t exactly words of passion and romance, are they?

So the teacher gave the kids an assignment.  Come up with better ways of asking for consent, ways that won’t seem so awkward and weird.  The fifteen year-olds put their heads together and brainstormed.  They spent their class time trying to invent less awkward ways of asking each other for permission to have sexual experiences.

They wanted to come up with a way of asking, “Can I do this to you now?” without actually sounding like an alien from another planet.  Many of their suggestions were too vague or nonspecific, but finally they settled on one that they could all agree on.

Two simple words: “You good?”

A boy is about to take the top off a girl:  “You good?”

He touches her underwear: “You good?”

Before kissing her body:  “You good?”

Before taking her virginity…before losing his own, he asks: “You good?”

The answer is no.  I’m not good.  You’re not good.  None of this is good.  This is not what sex is for.  This is not what love is for.  We’ve ruined it.

Sex has become so detached from anything meaningful, personal, and private, that Playboy is no longer even bothering to print nude pictures anymore.  People won’t pay for them because every sexual act imaginable can be freely viewed on the internet at any moment. Our most popular TV shows, from Game of Thrones to Two and a Half Men, are full of sex, either explicit or implied.

One generation…two generations, have grown up in a culture where sex means practically nothing on TV and media, and so they’ve actually embraced the idea that it means nothing in real life!  They’ve heard the message and believed it:  “Sex is no big deal”.  They feel totally inadequate and unfulfilled if they aren’t having it.

And we have done such a good job teaching that message, that now 1 in 5 women who attend college for four years say they’ve been sexually assaulted.  Or is it 1 in 7, like the authors of the study tried to clarify in TIME Magazine?  Am I supposed to feel better about 1 in 7, as opposed to 1 in 5?  Is that supposed to comfort me?

Virtually every single major publication in our country, from Sports Illustrated to the New York Times has written extensively on the dangerous places that college campuses have become for young women.  The violence of sex has become so undeniably prevalent in our culture that now governments feel they must act, they must do something – ANYTHING – to teach young people the one truth about sex that should be the most common, basic, intuitive part:  it should be CONSENSUAL.

Think about that for a moment.  We have so RUINED our image of sex that we now have to PASS LAWS requiring teachers to explain to our children that they must be sure someone wants to have sex before they go through with it.

I have worked with youth for 16 years as a leader and a teacher.  I have mentored youth and cried with them when their worlds have fallen apart on them.  I have given them my money, my time, my vehicle, and my home at various points.  And I can tell you this:  in my experience, the number 1 reason why children leave their homes and wreck their lives is a desire for sex that our culture has SCREAMED that they must have.

And their parents see it and warn them and plead with them and try to help them – all to no avail in so many terrible cases, because if there’s anything the culture has screamed at children more than “SEX IS FOR YOU”, it’s “YOUR PARENTS ARE IDIOTS”.

Buried behind each act of rebellion is the personal belief that he or she knows better than the parents who have raised them from birth.  These kids are convinced that they know more about life and sex than their moms and dads.  They are bolstered by their familiarity with sex, a familiarity not based in actual reality, but based on what they’ve seen in movies, music, television, and the internet…what they’ve talked about it in school with their friends after health class.

They are tragically mistaken.  They have overestimated their own wisdom.  They have embraced an understanding of sex that is deliberately deceitful.

Deliberately deceitful.  Adults know that sex is not REALLY like the movies or the TV or the music make it out to be.  The adults that make their money off of selling sex KNOW that their version of it isn’t honest – not in it’s portrayal, and not in it’s consequences.

But those profiteering off of “selling sex” aren’t there to help pick up the pieces when they come home diseased, abused, traumatized, pregnant, or addicted.  The culture isn’t there to help them after an abortion.  It’s not there to help them as a single parent with a baby. “Here’s some food stamps and some government assistance.  Good luck!  Make sure you buy my next song on iTunes or watch my next show on HBO!

The culture isn’t there to help them with child-support payments for the next 20 years, made to a young lady you don’t even know outside of a one-night stand.  The culture isn’t there to help the young lady who never gets a child-support payment because the father doesn’t love her and could care less about being a real man.

The culture isn’t really “there” at all. 

“Culture” is an abstract thing, an illusion that tells us how we should think and feel.  It’s built through actors, actresses, singers, rappers, advertisements, porn-creators, and the like who glorify sex outside of marriage as if it’s some penultimate experience to achieve.  And when the illusion is stripped away by the cold realities of life on the other side of these sexual experiences, these kids are left to try to piece together a life that’s been gutted by a society more concerned about the dangers of “censorship” than the dangers of the culture we’ve fostered.

And the proposed answer to all of these problems is: education.

“We just have to teach them about contraception.  We just have to teach them safety.  We just have to do a better job handing out condoms.  We have to do a better job making abortions available.  We have to increase social support programs.  We have to come up with medication for the diseases and vaccines and protocols for treatment.”

It’s like running around with a garden hose trying to put out a fire that’s burning your entire house down.

We have ruined sex.  We have taken what was sacred and made it casual, pretending that is won’t hurt us.

We ought to mourn what we’ve done, but instead, we glory in our own shame.  We boast about the sexual revolution as if it were an accomplishment.  We mock those who believe that it belongs only to marriage, where consent has been given and relationships rest in promised exclusivity.  We laugh at the happily married couples who have never known another partner as if they somehow “missed out” on all the fun.

What fun?  Step out of your little world and look at what this trivialization of sex is doing to our people!

Let me pose to you the same question that those kids came up with in San Francisco…a question, by the way, that no one’s ever asked in a porn scene:  “You good?”

Sexual violence dominating college campuses: “You good?”

19 year-olds with three abortions:  “You good?”

Pornographic websites becoming the main source of a child’s first sexual experience:  “You good?”

Sex addiction being a real and tragic thing: “You good?”

No…I’m not good.  Excuse me while I go throw up.

EDIT 4/8/16 – So after a crazy week, I’ve written a follow up response to this.  If anyone’s interested in how this article came about, or what it’s meant to convey, you can read it here.

EDIT 4/22/16 – This article has now been shared more than 50,000 times and has more than 500,000 views from around the world.  By contrast, I have published one article since this one, and it was viewed less than 100 times.  For some reason, God used “She Only Said ‘Yes’ Once” to reach a great many people.  I continue to receive emails of testimony and encouragement from parents who have taken this as an opportunity to talk with their children and spouses about sex.  It is so humbling, and I am so grateful to God for being even a fleeting voice against sin for His sake.

worried woman


  1. so sad we have children being pushed to do something that don’t understand what it’s all about. Sex education in schools was a big mistake. That’s the parents job to see that they learn what it’s really all about. They need to know that if you don’t have sex you don’t need to know about preventing pregnancy and diseases from sex. Sex is suppose to be between adults not children(even if they think the are grown up).

    • The United States, out of all industrialized nations, had the highest rates of teenage pregnancy, rape, and STI. Countries like Germany, Norway and France have comprehensive sexual education in schools that work with the parents. Those nations also have drastically low rates of teen birth and sexual infection.

      I’m just saying it’s worth going ahead and understanding that not every person in leadership of this nation shares your same religious beliefs.

      • Those other nations “work with the parents”. I believe that is the difference. Here in America, parents are the ones that don’t know anything…according to many who are in roles of authority.

  2. I think you have a misunderstanding about what is happening. I was a teen in the 80s. Sex happened. Assault happened. Inappropriate touching without the consent of the girl,happened. What’s happening now is an awareness of the problem. No longer is it acceptable for anyone to have to put up with something they are not comfortable with.
    And, one consent on your wedding day does not give you endless consent to do with your wife what you want. She is still her own person and there are times that she does not want you, despite what you think. We are not switches that can be flipped on at your desire.
    While I am not a fan of kids having sex, the reality is that kids do it despite being told not to. That is not a new thing. It is better to arm them with facts than try to scare them into submission. There is a reason that our teen pregnancy and std rates are higher than any other industrialized nation.

    • Hi there. Thanks for the comment, TD. As for what happened in the 80’s, I certainly didn’t mean to give the impression that sexual violence did not take place, or that teenagers weren’t having sex. Sexual sin is as old as humanity. I don’t think it ever was acceptable for someone to be abused, though sinful people have always tried to justify their abuse – something also as old as humanity.

      To your second point, I’m not sure you were very gracious in your assumptions about my relationship with my wife…specifically with the “despite what you think” phrase. I’ve been married quite a while. Two people don’t have to be married for very long before they realize that their partner won’t always want them…like “switches that can be flipped on at your desire”. I really think you have taken a fairly cruel view of me, here.

      But thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback!

      • Thank you for your gracious replies to readers, Reggie. Your article is a gem and I will post it on my FB even though I rarely post anything. I have two girls to raise and, yup, they should always say “no.”

        What a ridiculous world we live in. You describe it so well.

      • I actually had that same question. As someone who was raped by my husband because he thought I married him so I was available to him at his desire, I thought TDs questions were valid.
        Were you trying to say that your wife only had to say yes once indicating that while you were married you never had to ask her if she consented? Is it your assumption that because your wife married you, her sex was yours to take? That it did not matter whether she consented, because she had already said yes once?

        • Hi, Melinda. I think there are several problems with your question, but I really don’t want to write another 2,000 words on it right now. So let me just say, I think that any time a husband and wife have sex, it should be consensual and no one should feel free to proceed if the other says “no”.

    • I think you misinterpret the author’s reference to his wife’s one consent on his wedding day. That one “yes” is more than just yes to sex, it is a resounding yes to a complete gift of self. As much as we try to separate sex from our emotional and spiritual selves, it just can’t be done. We end up disintegrated people. The language of sex is a language of self gift – I give you my very being, my future children, their college payments etc. The act itself produces oxytocin, a hormone which causes the strongest bond in nature. The act binds us to each other. In fact, sex outside of marriage is an anthropological lie. We speak a language of forever when we don’t mean it. We can try to view it as a recreational activity, but this lie causes pain over and over again. That one “yes” doesn’t refer to “endless consent to do with [his] wife what [he] want[s]” but to a mutual gift of self, in all aspects of life, day in and day out. Sex is a gift where this truth is materialized, is strengthened, and becomes life giving. It allows for a relationship where a woman is promised to be loved forever and not used as an object of pleasure. Every woman deserves this. That “yes” is not a limitation, or an agreement to be used, it is a promise that allows good things to run wild.

      • Beautiful…

        I meant to point out the difference between a thousand granted permissions (which are meaningless and insignificant just minutes later) as opposed to the one-time promise of the marriage vow – a true giving of oneself.

        Great response!

        • Karen, woman to woman, you obviously have issues you are projecting onto these men. You are assuming use and abuse. Godly men understand and also, believe it or not, men sometimes say no.

        • Just a thought Karen, if you are in a position that you feel you are not allowed to say no then maybe it’s time to re-assess your situation. I really don’t like to advocate for divorce, I truly love to hear stories about people that have long term, loving, relationships. But if you are in a bad situation then maybe it’s time to change your situation. Coming from someone who has been where you are now…. You deserve to be valued, you deserve to be in control over what happens to your body. Reggie isn’t the highest authority in this matter, you are. You are the one who has to decide if staying where you are is worth the continued degradation and abuse (because being forced to have sex is abuse) or if you feel you are worth more and are not going to stay in a situation that makes you feel like a second citizen. I happen to feel you are worth more, I am worth more… Every woman had the right to say no, has a right to be respected and loved by someone special. And while I haven’t found that person, and may never find that person, that doesn’t mean they’re is not someone out there that will make you feel that way. We just have to make the decision for ourselves, that that’s the person we want to hold out for. And THAT person will understand, will treat you like special woman you are and never expect something from you that you are not willing to give. Hope things improve for you.

  3. Reggie! This is spot on! I see it all around me. I have a 10 year old son whom I KNOW will feel an enormous pressure to have sex very, very soon. Just last year, on his bus, an 8 year old girl told a boy that she “wanted to have sex with him.” WHAT?! I know her mother! She was horrified. Guess where she got that idea? TV shows. It is a subtle, insidious message being blared at them everywhere they turn. We must equip them with reality and the TRUTH. And churches are not doing it. Please, please, wake up Church! We have the truth. Why can’t we talk about it frankly and openly and often with our kids? They NEEEEED us to! Thanks for writing Reggie. And regarding the whole wife saying yes to you once and that means any time you want it, I was able to surmise from the rest of your writing that you did not mean you now owned her like some sort of sex slave. But for future reference, because our culture has also become extremely feminist in it’s thinking, you may want to add a line or two making it clear what you meant.

  4. I want to share my thoughts about this article b/c I had a strong reaction to it. This will be pointed as I’m a bit upset with the tone of your article. If I have misunderstood, feel free to enlighten me.
    My marriage was meant to be forever too but people make choices. Things don’t always work out and I’m honestly glad you have good marriage, or so it seems. I hope you are sincerely thankful. Yes sex has been messed up a long time, I’ll give you that. However, I always find these articles interesting and a bit self-righteous at the same time. The problem with your statements is this, the church isn’t being there for them either after they are hurt but they sure are there to point out their wrong doing. So what is your point in my mind? It appears to be “look at me, I’ve got it all together and I’m better than you.” Which I assure you is untrue. If I’ve missed something, let me know. I would also like to ask you if you would prefer rape to consent? I’m honestly sure you do not but your article sure comes across this way. People make bad choices when they have no heart revelation. The article doesn’t mention this. This article would be great if it had a bit of compassion and grace didn’t smell so much like self-righteousness political agenda. Except for the grace of God, go you, I and everyone else so please get off of your self-righteous indignant pedistal. If I have missed the spirit of your article, please enlighten me.

    • Hi, Beth. Thanks for the comment and for reading!

      The post was meant to juxtapose two different consents: (1) the consent that should be given at every stage of a sexual encounter between two people who are not in a committed relationship, and (2) the consent that is given for sexual union (as well as a more personal union) when two people enter into marriage. These consents are not the same thing. That is precisely the point. But they have a commonality in that they both are considered prerequisites to sexual union between two people.

      I think the reason that so many people have had strong reactions (both positive and negative) has less to do with me, personally, or even the tone of the writing than it does with our own personal experiences. Sex and its consequences are tremendously powerful things. Any article written provocatively about the morals of sex is going to be met with strong reactions. That’s a good thing, ultimately.

      I could spend a lot of time in reply to your comment personally defending myself, but I don’t think that would really be that helpful to anyone. For instance, you say “the church isn’t being there for them either after they are hurt…”. I think that statement is way too broad to be useful in discussion. For instance, I could respond that the church I belong to STRIVES to help people pick up the pieces…and you might reply that other churches do not. And we could go back and forth to no fruitful conclusion. I think it is enough to say that the church of the Lord Jesus SHOULD be striving to help people turn away from sin and recover from it. It’s fair to say that some are doing that, and others are not.

      (For the record, I would obviously prefer consent to rape. That should be clear from the article where I wrote “the one truth about sex that should be the most common, basic, intuitive part: it should be CONSENSUAL.” That was in big bold letters.)

      As for the tone, I believe there is value in trying to write passionate pleas that decry the state of the culture when the state of the culture deserves to be decried. I think writing like this can cause people to stop and reassess the way they look at the world. I didn’t write this article with the intent of proposing a systematic solution to sexual sin. And I certainly didn’t write it to cry out, “I’m so much better than everyone else.” I’m not…I’m a sinner, saved by grace, with all my own sinful baggage.

      I wrote the article, as I said, to juxtapose these two forms of consent…and to try to provoke people to rethink what has become acceptable.

      Thanks so much for your comment and the thought that went into it, Beth!

  5. Wow, Beth, I feel that Reggie gave you a really gracious and respectful response. He certainly did not get defensive, as I would have if it were me. I think he is standing up for the well-being and dignity of human beings, sexuality being an integral part of who we are. He feels the pain of those who are wounded by the lies our culture tells us. I feel that his response to you was very loving. But we have gotten ourselves confused as to what love really is nowadays.

    • Thanks, Marie. I meant it to sound kind and respectful, but apparently it did not sound that way to Beth. I removed her follow-up reply because I didn’t see a lot of value in it for myself or others. Hopefully Beth comes to see my comment in a different light someday.

  6. Hi Reggie,

    First of all, I enjoyed reading your lovely memory of your wedding day. The concept of waiting for marriage to have sex is beautiful and poetic, and has the potential to make those moments even more precious.

    However, I find some of your article a bit problematic. I understand what you mean when you say that marriage is a gift of self to your partner. However, the “Yes” in marriage (while I understand means much more than just sex), does not mean that consent is a given, every time a man and his wife engage in sex. This suggests that every time one wants to have sex, the other one automatically does too, because they made a commitment to each other. Consent is not assumed. If it’s assumed and the other is not allowed the opportunity to voice the fact that they don’t want to have sex (or feels they are pressured/cannot refuse their partner), that constitutes as rape. Now, I realize that you are not suggesting that one should force sex upon another because they made marriage vows, nor am I suggesting that you have ever pressured your wife into anything. I do firmly believe however, that rape certainly happens within marriages and the assumption that sex is just a “given” whenever one person wants it is a contributing factor in these occurrences. What if the other is too tired, or simply not in the mood? They have no obligation to have sex, and their partner should never pressure them, either. If you don’t ask for consent, you are assuming they want to have sex in that moment. If you happen to assume wrong, that’s rape.

    TD’s previous comments are certainly true. There have been numerous research studies that show that access to condoms, birth control, and comprehensive sexual education have absolutely no impact on a teen’s choice to be sexually active. There is a common misconception that somehow, schools are passing out condoms like candy and kids are going sex-crazy because of it. There is no significant increase in sexual activity among these teens. Just education. As much as we’d love to think that our children will always follow our wishes and our religious beliefs, this simply is not the case. By not providing education on possible risks of sex, and how to avoid them, we are simply putting our kids in more danger. We are doing them a dangerous disservice as they will go into sex uneducated and blind to the risks. Regardless of what we want for them, our teens’ choice to have sex is not up to us. If teens are going to have sex regardless of what we want for them, we should at least make sure they know how to be safe against STDs and pregnancies. It is wrong to rob them of the knowledge to be safe.

    • Thanks for the reply, Natalie. It was very thoughtful and well written. I think you’ve touched on some subject I might address in a later post, but for now I think I just want to emphasize that I did not mean for my post to be read as an assault on sexual education.

  7. With the way men are socialized to push for sexual conquest and women are socialized to be passive, I don’t know how anyone could find anything wrong with encouraging young men to instead check in with the other person. I assume this would be especially important for people committed to abstinence until marriage, as checking in and asking “are you good?” may give the space needed for one or both to say, “actually, I’m not comfortable with this, can we stop?”

    • Hi, Justine. Thanks for your thoughts. I would like to address some of them in a later post, because the topic deserves more than just a quick reply, and I’m glad you raised these questions.

      For now, though, I’ll just say that I did not mean for my post to be read as an attack on sexual education, or a call for the ceasing of sexual education. My goal was to get people to pause and think about how much we have degraded sex in our culture. The very fact that legislatures realize the need to educate children that sex should require consent from both parties just goes to illustrate how much sex has been ruined.

      The need for consent before sex should be the most basically understood concept in the world. But our culture has degraded sex SO MUCH that we have to go out of our way…even PASS LAWS…to make sure that children understand that sex should be consensual.

      I’m rambling!

      Thanks again for your thoughts, Justine!

  8. I wish teachers would have been required to teach this approach to sexual contact 40 years ago. It would have helped young teens of both genders during an era of sexual backlash and “free love” (remember Woodstock?) that throwing caution to the wind is not the best choice, that both partners should make sure they were ready for the next move by asking. Our teachers were very uncomfortable with the subject of sex and as a result, there was a lot of ignorance. The more kids are educated with options, the better. Reggie, I appreciate your viewpoint…it may upset some people but at least it keeps people talking about sex education.

  9. Great article. I do agree with some of your commenters that it can be interpreted incorrectly. I think the contrast you’re trying to draw is sex within marriage versus sex outside of marriage.

    Sex outside of marriage always requires validation of the positive AND negative. There is always an “end game,” always a question of how far is too far at this point in time, and a question about what happens next. You also have the time limitation of non-marital relationship – what if this relationship goes south – and the question mark puts pressure on both parties, either to go farther, or to resist harder, or any combination of the above.

    Sex within marriage, and abstinence before marriage requires far less negotiation. Prior to marriage, the answer is “no.” And after marriage, the answer is “yes” or “yes later” or “yes to another time” with the guarantee/assumption by both parties that “another time” will come prior to “until death do us part.” Of course there are physical, mental, emotional and spiritual exceptions where the answer is “yes, if I could” or “yes, if you could” but the answer within a committed, covenant, two-way consensual, Christ-centered marriage is never “no, never.”

  10. Agreed on all points. And to add that we as a culture have created the demand for human trafficking. Young girls are STOLEN to be locked up for men to have sex with. How sick is that.

  11. I’ve never encountered someone who intended to use “education” as a dirty word. First off, my husband and I were both virgins until our wedding day, but just because I said “yes” at the alter doesn’t give him carte blanche access to my body whenever he wants it. Husbands and wives don’t just need to say “yes” once – even in marriage both partners should be willing participants. And secondly, you didn’t give any actual solutions to our society’s current view toward sex and relationships. Probably because there IS no catch-all, wunder program for instilling morals to the masses. You mock this program that is intended to “educate” (there I said that bad word again!) children on the importance of consent in sexual encounters. This is done in an effort to combat the escalating rate of violent sexual harassment – which you yourself alluded to! It would be an immoral government indeed who ignored the plight of tens of thousands of rape victims.
    You blame the omniscient, faceless “culture” for kids having sex outside of wedlock. I simply don’t agree. The majority of kids don’t have sex because they’re mad at their parents, and I know enough 12 – 18 year olds that I give them credit for thinking for themselves intelligently that I also don’t believe the majority of kids are brainwashed by “culture” and celebrities, TV, music, and every other medium you mentioned. Did it occur to you that kids have sex because they are incredibly hormonal and impulsive? Their brains are still developing, making them physically incapable of fully understanding long term consequences before making spontaneous decisions.
    SEX is not a new problem brought about by our liberal culture. Kids and adults alike have been having sex when they shouldn’t since the dawn of time.
    Was I able to abstain from sex in high school? Yes. Did all of my friends? No. Did I have friends who wanted to abstain, but in a heated moment chose to have sex? Yes. Did they have sex because they were brainwashed by our “culture” and angry at their parents? NO.
    No. No. No. No to it all.
    Regardless of what you intended, we’re not mind-readers, and this reads heavily as an attack on sexual education with an emphasis on degrading a government program designed to stop rape. It’s bizarre. It’s damaging.

    • If I were growing up (a teen) today, being exposed to all the current media, it would seem the strangest thing to not sleep with first girl that said yes to dating me. At that age I was exposed to all sorts of media, and having no Sex Ed at school, knew the basics and craved the act, talked about it with other guys. Yet arrived at my wedding at age 22 a virgin marrying someone saying yes for her first time as well. Yet well aware others, many others, didn’t make the same choices. The difference? They seemed much older. There was no perception that EVERYONE my age through middle and high school was having sec or that doing so was a graduation requirement. That perception has changed!

    • You said it would be an incredibly immoral government that would ignore the plight of rape victims. What about the parents? Is it not a far worse crime for them to not teach their children the true reason for sex? Love? And not just the kind of live that occurs in the back seat of a car, etc. But the love between two people that want to spend the rest of their lives together, to have a family, to pass on their knowledge, love, attitudes, etc to them. Sex is there for procreation. It feels good because if it didn’t humanity would soon fade away. Sex, as it says in the Bible allows rwo to become one. Same as a marriage should. With that I Do on ones wedding day one agrees to share everything they have, are, and will ever be completely and fully in partnership with their chosen spouse. No, it doesn’t give one or the other carte blanche or domain to do what they want, when they want! It means that all will be shared, in goid times and bad, in the mood or not, all things that come. A good spouse, heck, a decent human being will never just assume that what they want will always be what their partner wants because they themselves don’t always want what their partner wants. Marriage is a two way street, a give and get (not take) association that just won’t work if one partner always has their way.

      As for schools teaching sex education I think it should stop and be reconfigured to teach about why we have sex, its role in our lives, the beauty of it in the proper context, and the tragic consequences that can occur otherwise. Teach our kids the reality about single parenting, paying child support, providing a home, working all day and then coming home to a screaming child that they alone are responsible for while still in their teen years and missing out on all the fun their friends are out having. Bring in single mothers and their sperm donors and have them tell our kids what it’s really like. The sleepless nights, diaper duty, every penny spent on that baby and none left for fun. Not a new video game or cell phone or even a cool new ring tone for only 99 cents. Let them know that a baby at their age is like a giant weight on their shoulders that will be there for at least 18 years. Tell them to think about all the things that their parents do for them and remind them that will be their job now if they have a child.

      And for the other commenter that said their church wasn’t helping? Seems to me like you need to either look inside yourself and see if help IS being offered and it’s just not what you think it should be, or perhaps you’re in the wrong church.

      Last but far from least, for those of you dumping on Reggie about the “yes” on wedding day being a blanket yes for all time. Get a grip. Of course not. If either you or your spouse think that’s what it meant when you went down the aisle you’ve got a big problem and you should probably seek some counseling to correct that thinking or a divorce lawyer.

  12. I was raped many times over ten years by my first husband–all because this is how sex was taught to me.

    No, you don’t have to verbally ask every ten minutes if the other person is enthusiastically participating in the activity; but you should discuss what is cool and not cool in bed. And no one should feel pressured or forced to perform at any time. “Not right now” or “not that way” should always be an accepted answer.

    The relationship with my current husband is one where consent, mutual respect, and mutual pleasure are valued.

    • That’s horrifying, Misty. I appreciate you sharing it. I wish, with all my heart, that everybody understood this article the way it was intended. I would never teach or advocate rape, inside or outside of a marriage. Saying that my wife said “yes” to me only once, does not mean that I feel I have permission to force myself on her – and I never have, and I never would. I can’t even imagine how traumatic it must have been.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • I’m with you Misty in the belief that we have the right to say Yes or No every time. His headline and some of his content are misguided. That I say YES every time I have sex is an important part of it for me and for my husband. The YES doesn’t have to be asked for verbally but he does ask with a question or a touch or a raised eyebrow and I answer with a word or a gesture or a facial expression. It wouldn’t be ‘making love’ without the YES. If the answer is no, even a dutiful, silent, suppressed no, then it’s rape. I wish more Christian men understood this. As it stands, this article is a defense of rape culture and is incredibly hurtful to anyone who has been raped.

        • And if you think that Christian kids don’t need to be taught about consent, you are naive. I know too many women who were raped by Christian teens and college students and fathers and pastors. Consent needs to be taught.

          • Nothing in my article says I think consent shouldn’t be taught. I’m not giving permission for spousal rape. I’m comparing the giving of oneself in marriage to the very low view of sex in our culture…and the consequences of that very low view.

  13. Reggie, I can tell that you feel very strongly about this. And your article is very wide ranging, covering a variety of topics. But if a culture that cheapens sex is the problem it at least does seem that the solution, sex education, seems to be working.

    Better sex education programs and availability of contraceptives seems to have made a dramatic shift in unplanned teenage pregnancies. Surely this cannot be attributed to our culture’s change in attitude about sex, since as your article clearly demonstrates, our culture’s attitude to sex is even worse now than it was at the beginning of the sexual revolution.

    I admit that the goal should probably be a shift of our cultural morals around sex, but that doesn’t look to be happening any time soon. So till then, shouldn’t we be advocating for methods that work? Shouldn’t our primary concern be the health and safety of these young children who are coming of age in an oversexed society? If we can’t protect them from the culture we can at least give them the tools to survive it. Better education seems to be the only thing that works, I say we use it.

    • But if a culture that cheapens sex is the problem it at least does seem that the solution, sex education, seems to be working.

      Better sex education programs and availability of contraceptives seems to have made a dramatic shift in unplanned teenage pregnancies.

      Are you seriously saying that less teen pregnancies is a sign that we are as a culture valuing sex more? Maybe I’m a bit slow on the uptake, but your suggestion is a *real* stretch.

  14. I am amazed that defensive stances are made against this article. It is filled with words which simple put say: the sexual revolution is robbing us (society,) of a sexual safe future for our children and our children’s children. This was a clever article to break down the nonsense, and for me a clear indication sexual education should not be taught at schools but in the home. Dont tell me that some cant learn at home, I know this, personally, but that fact doesn’t remove the solution being what it is, even if it is unattainable by some. This is not the 80s,90s, or even 2005. Every one of my daughters have been asked by young men online to send them “nudes” as they call it. And almost every single one of their friends. So cry and talk about programs and solutions to this creatively driven agenda but remember that this article is a sain outcry against the evil hurting all of society and the other guys whose semantics we never question in the halls of our news, media, literature; we open up our wallets and fund their lifelong assult on our own children’s worth. If your going get emotional and pick apart this article, the battle has already claimed you, I know this, because your fighting the wrong enemy.

  15. Reggie,
    Thank you for a thought-provoking article and for allowing dialogue about it. I found it so interesting that so many took this as an attack on sex education, and assumed that your literary tools (pointing out the number of times a person needs to say “yes”) implied that within marriage you don’t need consent.
    What struck me about the juxtaposition of these two scenarios is that in the sex education example you reference, kids are being taught that it is okay to use another person as an object of pleasure as long as the other party consents to it. We have lowered ourselves so much in our sexual ethics that we are having to teach kids a “permissible” way to use one another.
    Boys are not being taught how to be true men. But I feel most sorry for the girls in these classes. They are taught that if they say “yes,” than this form of use is alright. We all know that, especially for girls, they say yes for fear of being rejected, for a longing to be loved, in the heat of the moment, for so many reasons. What happens the next morning when they feel used, when their hearts are empty, when they sought love in the wrong place? They are taught that they consented, so its okay. They have no reason to feel upset or hurt. They were not mistreated and their dignity was upheld through their “yes”? Clearly not.
    I used to work in residential treatment with teenage girls who were so damaged by these lies. The problem with the type of sex education that you reference is that it is not comprehensive enough. We need MORE sex education. Kids are not taught the biochemistry of sex…that humans are actually made for monogamy. (Check out Vicki Thorn’s “What they didn’t teach you in sex ed.” Its fascinating! )
    And they especially are not taught the emotional and mental implications of sex. In the current form of sex education, we are doing our children a huge disservice. Thank you for pointing this out and for advocating for the truth, despite the attacks you are receiving from doing so.

  16. Hi Mr Osbone.kudos on ur epic a 23 yr old lady at a local kenyan univeristy.As a young adult,all of your advice is RELEVANT n ur powerful wisdom has addressed most of my struggles with maintaining my purity.i cannot possibly adequately describe to you how much your article has been of help to my friends and i.thankyou n b blessed.keep up the good work.

    • Hi, lillian. I will pray for you tonight in Kenya at your studies. It’s so wonderful to hear that God is working around the world. We serve a wonderful God, who is very merciful and patient with us. There is always Redemption for his people.

  17. Quite agree with most of of what you write. I said yes to my husband on the day we married. That does not give him open slather and consent to use me and my body at his will because I said yes once. Please take care with that aspect of your article – a husband still needs to have consent within the marriage bonds.

    • When it was only seen as legitimate within the bonds of marriage. Which despite what a lot of history re-writers would have you believe, was indeed the case for centuries.

  18. Thank you for this article and the follow up ( yes, I read them both ). As a mother of a 12 year old son, living in the UK, it is especially important to me as I see outside influences now take stage in my sons life. All the dilemmas of who is right and wrong and the changes of his own body, not an easy time. Like you, the reality of how we view marriage and intimacy is so far from the original ideal it is sickening. I will share these posts, as you have managed to hit a real nerve centre and in a very approachable , unjudgmental way you have managed to highlight an issue that connects with the affected readers and offers understanding and compassion.
    I look forward to your next inspired article ?

  19. Thank you so much for writing this. First of all, as a budding writer myself, I’d like to say that I love your writing style. You really know how to draw a person into the text. Just a quick encouragement (since I read your response post to this).

    Second, I want to say that this broke my heart. As I’ve aged into my early twenties, God has broken my heart from its formerly apathetic and cold existence to its current and ever-changing form. It kills me that so many of my friends in college strive to get their “fix” when it comes to sex, but they miss out on the beauty and comfort of a marriage relationship. I want what I have with my husband of four months for them, and I’ve only been at this for a short, short time.

    Thank you for writing this. When there’s such a great response as this, I imagine that it means that this is what God is saying right now, and wants us to hear. May we boldly share these truths to our young friends.

  20. I enjoyed your post about your moment of “fame” as much as the original post. Your voice is so likeable. I saw myself in everything you said about writing and no one reading. Unlike you I haven’t had my 15 minutes, and I’m ok with that. God knows I’d handle it poorly, I suppose. You handle it gracefully.

  21. Hi Reggie,

    I know you have received torrents of feedback from this post, but I wanted to add my brief thanks. I was brought to tears by your description of your wedding day. As a 21 year old in my first serious relationship, it is good to be reminded that all the constant, disagreeable repeating of “No” to ourselves and our bodies is leading up to a “Yes” that is fuller and richer and more satisfying. Your post pushed me back towards a desire for purity in my heart as well as in my action. It was needed, and I am so grateful. This article was an instrument of God in my life today.

    Blessings to you and your family.

  22. I do understand your article and for many years totally agree with what you say….. However, after my 3 yo (yes three year old) daughter was sexually abused by her father, I have to say that I think children should be warned earlier of the dangers. This happens all over and is so sickening, I wish I’d taught my children about this & safety way before. I hate to even say it, but now we’re in this hideous position, I truly believe that children need to know (very sadly) very early on about being able to say no, what’s really not OK etc….. My heart bleeds every time my daughter disclosed, sometimes I can hardly breath, I feel as though I’ve failed her so badly and yet, I know God is still in control, that He knows everything and that, as terrible as it is, some good will one day come out of this situation. Pray for wisdom for parents, …I come from such a conservative and strict upbringing, I think we need to teach children what God’s intentions for sexual relations are.

  23. I think that in any relationship, sexual or not, you have an obligation to respect the other person and their boundaries. When it come to sex, this is ESPECIALLY important. Just because you are married DOES NOT give you the right to violate your wife or do anything sexually against her wishes. You owe it to your spouse to respect them enough to ask them and require a “yes” every time. Yes, she said “yes” on your wedding day. But I believe that if you truly love her, you would consider her feelings and make sure she says “yes” every time after that and not assume her body is your possession.

  24. Hi,
    I really liked your article a lot.

    I did read the whole thing yesterday and I am somebody who takes time to process. There is one line that bothers me.
    I read your follow up post and you said you would not make changes and I understand that. You said that you live in a small town now and it sounded like you grew up there. But in the article you were talking about San Franscisco and how the 10th graders are being told about what they can do with the people they used to finger paint with in kindergarten. It is a great visual to imagine that these students are like the kids in “Our Town” but the truth is it isn’t like that either.

    I grew up in San Diego. We moved when I had finished Kindergarten. We were unusual because we stayed in the same house for the rest of my schooling and beyond. So you would think that I would relate to your description but I actually could not. My graduating class was about 800 students so we held it in a sports stadium downtown a 40 minute drive away. Out of 800 students I knew about 40 of them pretty well and about 3 of them I remembered sticking around since the 5th grade. I can’t remember a single face from my first grade class.

    Even though we stayed in the same house I changed schools when they built an elementary school a mile from my house. No more bus. I walked with my sister and later my friends.
    Then I rode the bus again to middle school and it was bigger and I didn’t have a single student from my fifth grade class with me. I made new friends.
    In high school none of my friends came with me. I was alone in a sea of new faces again. Weirdly though, the administration decided to experiment with the freshman by giving 30 of us all the same schedule or as close as possible. So instead of having 6 classes with 30 different people in each class I felt like I was back in the fifth grade seeing the same 30 kids with me all day. It was a small comfort. But every single one of them was a stranger to me and I to them and them to each other. None of us had met each other previous to freshman year.

    So the idea that these 15 year old boys were talking about saying “you good” to the same girls they had fingerprinted in kindergarten with sounds like talking to their sister. It is nice but not true. My sophomore year was mixed up again and I met many new students for the first time like I had all my life.

    The reality of a big city is even if you stay put your neighbors change all the time. Even at church where we attended every Sunday I remember making new friends every 2-3 years because of people moving out and new people moving in. So even at church when I was 16 and listening to them talk to us about chastity and dating there were very few boys that I had known longer than 5 years. Those were my actual brothers. When I went to my first church dance at age 14 my brother got 3 of his friends to dance with me and I had known each of them for about 2 years since they had moved in that recently but since they were my brothers friends I knew them about as far as I could throw them. They liked to surf with my brother and play soccer. That was all I knew.

    Why do I care about this detail? I think it is important because you were crafting a picture of familiarity that is not true. One of the reasons that pornography addiction is such a problem is that it disconnects people from reality and relationships. It is hard to objectify someone you are familiar with (though it still happens) but it is far easier to objectify a stranger. That is why when people talk about behavior towards women they ask you to think of someone you know and love and instinctively protect like a mother or a sister. It would seem natural to imagine a class of boys thinking of the girls right next to them as sisters if they had known them for 15 years but the reality is that they probably only met them on the first day of that school year. So they were not seeing these girls like sisters. They were seeing these girls as possible dates and objectifying them already.

    I really loved all the points you made and I read a couple of the comments and I loved the one about what it meant to say yes for the rest of her life was giving her whole self to you. I will have to copy and paste that one. So beautiful. Exactly what I was feeling you meant when you said it.

    Keep writing. 🙂

  25. Since this article is written from a biblical perspective, the biblical mandate is pretty clear…”3 A husband should satisfy his wife’s needs. And a wife should satisfy her husband’s needs. 4 The wife’s body does not belong only to her. It also belongs to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong only to him. It also belongs to his wife.” If that causes pain in your relationship then it’s the relationship that is the problem not the biblical mandate. Because my marriage is based on real love, the kind talked about in 1 Corinthians, then I really only had to say yes once. Every time after that is implied. And while at times I might suggest an alternative based on circumstances, my yes at the alter does indeed give my husband carte blanche to grab, kiss, pull, touch or any other verb he so chooses and I have that same right. The author does not need to back down from that assumption or apologize for having a healthy human desire for his wife. In fact if my husband starts asking permission before he pulls me in for a kiss, I’m going to be hurt and wonder what has caused a rift in our relationship. If you are not fully given to love between you and your spouse something is out of place in the marriage not out of place in the mandate.

  26. Thanks for sharing this article. A lot of those who have read and commented on this post are women. I think often times sex is presented from a man’s standpoint and the subtleties of what women go through are missed naturally because it’s from a man’s point. I believe strongly that God has called me, as a woman, to take the conversation about sex out from the world and put it back in the church, and this article does that. I’ve written a book called “You Don’t Have to Fake it With God, A Supernatural Journey to Sexual Freedom” for women. This talks about why sex is so abused and why the world and parents are struggling to stop the negative sexual experiences in their families…we don’t know the true beauty of sex the way God intended. IF we knew and were taught the real deal we wouldn’t desire after the counterfeit. God wants us to have good sex and He knows that HE designed good sex to require a committed loving relationship between a man and a woman. Just my two cents…

  27. Great article. I have had the answer how to stop casual sex among children/teenagers since 1990!!!!! I realised it had to get this bad for parents etc. to wake up and see the facts and the truth. I live in South Africa and am writing a series of 8 books for parents, the series, “Step Into Your Future” is taking time. My “flag-ship” is the book on Sexuality and convincing young people through a tried and tested method to want to say “no” to becoming sexually active. This book is near completion and I should be willing to send the booklet to interested people. I have so much to offer…… I should need a publisher in USA to help me, so please give me some names and I shall forward this book in particular. Thanks, let’s not give up, let us “catch” the small children before they become contaminated…..

  28. I’m way late on these comments, and so don’t expect a reply or anything. I really liked this article and thank you for writing. I wanted to offer one thought or explanation on those wives who have protested that their one-time yes does not offer carte blanche to their husbands at all times and forever. There has been a (good and needed) upturn in the last decade or so on teaching in the church about married sexuality. But in some ways, I believe the pendulum has swung too far. There has been a LOT of very forceful teaching, blogs, sermons, etc, which basically insist that women need to be better, more enthusiastic, more experimental, etc in bed. While possibly true in some cases, this has served to put a tremendous weight on many wives to feel and do things that are not in their comfort zones, and that if they fail, their husbands will be crushed under a life of temptation and misery. Many wives hunger for a more even-handed approach … we don’t mind being sympathetic to our husbands desires, but also wish husbands to be genuinely and lovingly sympathetic to our feelings.

    Saying “my wife said yes once” could be interpreted by a hurting wife as an affirmation that a good wife ought to enthusiastically submit to her husbands every whim in bed, and that she is somehow broken or disobedient if she says “I really don’t like that”. We just really don’t want to be whacked over the head with the Song of Solomon or 1 Cor 7 anymore.

    • I agree with your article on most points, with the exception of one. Coming from someone who has often worked two jobs while married, who has had several major surgies (including a hysterectomy) and one who had been married not once ; but twice to a closet alcoholic, it is not ok for the man to just assume that I should be ready and willing at any point. Just got off a 24 shift? “Sorry you’re tired, I would like some lovin”. “Sorry you just had all your lady parts removed, but do we really have to wait six to eight weeks”? I have been raped in the course of marriage, I have been pressured to have sex when I didn’t want to and made to feel guilty. I have been belittled and emotionally abused by the one that supposed to love me and then he got his feeling hurt when I didn’t want to be intimate with the man who just told me I was stupid and inferior to himself. The ONE thing I absolutely did not come away from with this article was that he was implying that it was ever ok for a man to do any of these things even with “implied” consent as has been suggested in many of these posts. As someone that has chosen to be sexually active over they years, outside the bonds of marriage (never while married) this article struck a chief with me. Because of all the problems I have had through my life and relationships; I have decided to become celibate. IF I ever become that way again it still be with a friend, someone I know respects me and loves me wholly and completely without that sexual element being there first. As I have reflected back on life I have realized that jumping into a purely sexual relationship, allowing myself to be pressured by boys that I really, really liked, allowing myself to be used and not standing up for myself over the years is what netted me 5 marriages and 5 divorces. I was “eduated” in school (with my “parents” consent) and I picked up enough to manage not bringing home an std. I consider this a win so I’m not against sex ed as it can do some good as long as the parent is involved in the process. It is no longer required for the parent to be involved, they are being excluded from the process now here in the United States. Not cool. CLW, this is not an attack on your post or thoughts in any way, just continuing my thoughts all in one column. I do think that sex ed is a necessary evil at this point because many parents are not educating their kids mine didn’t because they didn’t want me to have sex. Nothing against them I made my choices, there has to be something available. That being said, and going back to Reggies point, I would never have been as aware of sex in the first place had I not been exposed to it as much in movies and TV (love boat, bay watch) and the music I listened to back in the 80’s. (sex, did and Rock and roll baby). While I learned some valuable lessons (the hard way of course) I really do wish that I had not smoked myself to be side tracked like this my whole life. At the age of 49, I finally see the value in living life in this way. In standing up for myself, redirecting myself and demanding that others respect me that way too. And yes, I am finally allowing God back into my life as well. If I never get married again, I will still be happy because of the changes I have made for myself. Thank you for your comments in support of this article and wish you well.

  29. I fully agree that when God created real marriage, He got it 100% right. As a long term pro-life activist (sidewalk counselor/prayer leader at abortion mills, operation rescue leader, one who help establish a crisis pregnancy center…), I am very aware of the very tragic consequences that result from non-covenental sexual intimacy. The article points out well some of the errors in American/western culture. Islamic cultures also get marriage/intimacy horribly wrong as well in many different ways.

    What I disagree with is “saying yes once”. Thankfully the precious wife of my youth has said yes many hundreds/thousands of times in our 35 years of marriage in numerous aspects of life.

  30. The importance of consent and training young people on its importance cannot be overstated. In your zeal to promote a stereotypically evangelical vision of purity you totally avoided celebrating consent. In a culture filled with rape and sexual assault, such an omission is deeply problematic. And certainly you don’t mean you and your wife have given one another permanent and inviolable consent, but I think you should be more careful to specify that sexual consent in marriage is still vital. Marital rape is a real and causes untold suffering. Evangelical culture sometimes allows the impression that there is no such thing, and that is a culpable oversight.

    • Thanks for your feedback. I don’t think I’ve ever written an article on the internet where I said everything that could be said. A lot of people got what I was aiming for, and a lot of people didn’t. I’ve tried to clarify and reply gracefully to every response. I feel that’s really the best I can do here.

  31. Thanks for the article. When I posted it I got one pointed, heated response (from my oldest at Columbia Univ). It was all about the ‘failure’ of abstinence only education. Which was humorous since your article never mentions that. Just that the current cultural view of sex is to put it mildly very distorted. Can rape happen in a marriage…of course. Before my wife and I were married we had pre-marriage counseling by 3 different places (good way to talk to others about potential struggles…how to work thru them). The man who married us was a licensed MFCC but also a former missionary and married for 50+ years.

    Not once was the subject brought up about rape. If it would have been my guess everyone would have said ‘duh’. But my guess – those that attend those classes don’t or much, much less chance.

    Every year we (wife, myself and our daughter) all help an organisation that has houses in our area for abused women. And we also know quite a few that work to help stop the sex traffic that happens in the pacific NW.

    That being said those that point the fault at the article ….if they agree with the current trends are they ok with the current results.

  32. Loved your article. It makes me so sad to think what sex has been reduced to. Instead of an act that is beautiful and unique within a committed loving relationship, it’s a boy saying, Can I do this? Can I do that? You good? You good? That’s not love and it’s not beautiful. At all.

  33. Hi Reggie. I want to encourage you. You are doing the right thing, and the article is plainly put. It made perfect sense to me. It is amazing how much the Holy Spirit opens up our minds and allows us to consider truth. What is truly sad are all of the commenters who do not know Jesus and then read your not-really-complicated article, and then not have a clue as to the overall meaning as well as reading it with their agendas in hand. These people will naturally dislike it and misunderstand. They will also assume the worst about your motives, even though you follow and being changed by Jesus. Such is a sinful humanity.

    Jesus did say that the seed would fall on to different soils, places. But blessed is the one who sows the seed. This is not pearls before swine. They’ll remember what you said, hopefully, when they start to follow Jesus.

    Peace be with you, and keep fighting the good fight.
    -Paul W.

  34. I kept a quote I heard once and here it is: “Children can’t choose the light if they are kept in the dark. Teaching children the truth is like turning on the light in a dark room. Children deserve to see and know the light before darkness has a chance to enfold and ensnare them. Teach them morality and prepare them to meet the world head-on before they actually have to. Teach them to learn from the joy of light and not from the sorrow of darkness.”
    If parents, grandparents, churches don’t teach children their values, the world will teach it’s lack thereof. In the end, everyone gets to make the choice for himself but at the very least, they should be prepared beforehand.

  35. It seems to me that another aspect of our culture, is that people get offended very quickly. While I sympathize with the commenters about their difficult situations, I understand that you were certainly not advocating non-consensual sex within marriage as you have stated many times in the comments.

    As a college student, I am horrified by the attitude my generation has regarding sex. We’ve seen it in movies, TV shows, and advertisements and heard it in popular music since we were very young. A popular song from my high school years was called, “blurred lines” for us, the media has tried to blur lines; between love and sex, between right and wrong, between truth and lies. I can only imagine how much worse it will be by the time my children are my age. It is my prayer that we will be able to understand what sex truly is; that is much more than just a physical experience and that people are not objects used to satisfy our desires.

    • “It seems to me that another aspect of our culture, is that people get offended very quickly. While I sympathize with the commenters about their difficult situations, I understand that you were certainly not advocating non-consensual sex within marriage as you have stated many times in the comments”

      Agreed. Too many quickly-offended people firing off comments without fully reading and grasping the author’s point.

  36. I would like to point out something, related/unrelated. Of all divorces, secular and non-secular, 70% are filed by the woman. Before you jump to conclusions, yes I understand that some of this is due to abuse, but those numbers are low. Men in society as a whole have been taught to get a job, provide a home and become slaves to the 9 to 5 mediocrity of life in modernity. We are no longer exciting, we no longer do “Manly” things and now with the fear of being label “toxic”, we sit back and let our lives pass us by and wait for death. Meanwhile our wives are left at home to take care of the kids, wash clothes, make beds, etc. So of course she’s “too tired” for sex. It becomes a choir to her to “satisfy” the man, like something added to her to-do list for the day (or year).

    Woman check out much sooner emotionally in a relationship than men do. For men, marriage is an achievement, which is treated like a trophy. Woman on the other hand get emotional fulfillment from a marriage. Even using the trophy metaphor, if a trophy is left on the shelf without being polished, it become dull and dusty.

    All this leads to sexless marriages, meaning sex 12 times or less per year. Men and woman both want sex, nearly equally, but for different reason. Men view it as an achievement, while woman view it as an emotional fulfillment. In a marriage what tends to happen is we let life get in the way. We forget the importance of sex in the relationship and so this is when the enemy can come in and whisper, convincing us that things we should not do, won’t really hurt. Men and woman both take that second glance because back at home is nothing but a lazy, boring man and a nagging, bitter woman.

    We talk about sex being taught to kids at such a young age, yet never address sex as adults. We are left to let things happen in the bedroom. Sex is such a taboo within the church that we have let our schools, internet and TV become the teachers. Instead of pointing the fingers and blaming government and secular culture. Let’s look at ourselves for a change. Let’s start having healthy discussions of what sex should look like in a healthy marriage.